“Why can’t I just get Rosie to co-operate? People at work more or less do what you ask: why can’t a 9-month baby? I never knew just how angry I could feel ‘til I had a baby. It’s things like how little gets done in a day!”

Like many high-flyers, Ellen has been a bit shocked by motherhood; particularly by the realisation that children can’t actually be controlled.

We’ve noticed, through our coaching, that women with significant success at work can put high pressures on themselves as mothers. Not rocket science, but it has implications. While a woman who feels fulfilled in her work and has investments in both career and home life can be a great role model, for some there are psychological tensions lurking beyond the redemptive power of the Kate Spade baby-change bag.

Running a series of parent coaching groups on managing stress, I’ve been struck more than once by things said by women diagnosed with postnatal depression (PND).  As we discuss a cognitive psychology approach to understanding pressure and stress (1), there is a paradoxical sense of relief: “What I’m suffering from isn’t so much depression as stress, and it’s from the pressure I put on myself to be perfect!”.

It would be unrealistic to suggest this is the situation in all diagnosed cases of PND; yet the realisation for new mothers that changing the way they think can be a crucial skill in managing the pressures of their new role can be a breakthrough.

This challenging of thinking and beliefs has certainly filtered through to the popular website Mumsnet as a way of dealing with the baby blues http://www.netmums.com/lc/postnataldepression.php#counselling. The site suggests: “Cognitive Behaviour Therapy will encourage you to challenge the way you are thinking. With post-natal depression, your thought processes become less rational - you may become anxious or depressed in situations that wouldn't have affected you before. For example, try to stop every time you feel particularly anxious or unwell, consider what thoughts are going through your head and then challenge them“.

Certainly this is sound advice, when thoughts have become less rational as a symptom of PND. My perception is also that women who have tended to set themselves very high standards throughout life might be more prone in the first place to getting upset when a baby comes along and takes over their sense of control. Realising this and recognising that having a baby is a huge growth opportunity (!) in terms of challenging some self-defeating thinking habits is a real possibility for the intelligent woman who feels resentful of her baby’s power. How about pursuing what is realistic or even excellent in a day, instead of fantasising about perfection?

Another mother we know, Joanne, took a step back when her second baby came along. She became aware that “I had tried to cope with Lily by kind of regimenting her. I set up rigid routines to try and get back a sense of control and it was a nightmare when she went through anything like teething when the routine went out of the window. Another crunch point was feeling guilty about putting her in the nursery, so I’d whisk her off swimming on a Saturday morning to make up for it when she probably just wanted to chill out at home. Then I used to wonder why she played up. Now with Henry, I try to set aside my own demands about what I ‘should’ be doing and try to find what’s appropriate for him; to recognise that he’s an individual too, even as a baby. We’re all enjoying it a lot more.“ 

Maybe babies are not so different after all from employees: we need to work with them to find solutions, not just impose our expectations; and the best solutions involve their individual views and needs. How often have we looked into that one in managers’ coaching skills?

© Jennifer Liston-Smith, Director, Managing Maternity Ltd

The names and other identifying features have been changed in this article to protect confidentiality.

References
1. e.g. Palmer, S. & Dryden, W. (1996). Stress Management and Counselling: Theory, Practice, Research and Methodology (Stress Counselling Series). Continuum International Publishing Group. ISBN: 0304335657