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This information is intended as a pointer on some key legal issues. Managing Maternity is not in business as a legal advisor and readers are encouraged always to seek independent legal advice.
By Amanda Sasada, Managing Maternity facilitator and trainer
First published in Maternity Matters, Managing Maternity's newsletter, in March 2007
For a new mother in the middle of a successful career, parenting may come as a leap into the unknown. She may want to apply some of the skills learned from her current world, but somehow parenting and babies do not seem to fit into any familiar box. It might be an interesting idea to try to plan ahead and produce a contingency plan for colic but how will she really know beforehand what this experience will feel like? How can she relate to any of the realities of parenthood before actually getting there?
However difficult it might be to look beyond the birth, during late pregnancy the mother-to-be is likely to try to prepare for the arrival of her baby. Perhaps she has worked as a project manager or team leader and decides to approach the situation in ways that are familiar. She might consider the timescales, practicalities and begin to write lists. The skills she has already acquired in the work place will surely be of value here. There will be a plethora of items to purchase, including the mandatory three wheel buggy with brakes and the optional extra of an iPod docking station, not to mention the hospital bags to pack for herself and baby and perhaps one for dad. And all of this at a time when she is feeling responsible for handing over her work responsibilities in an ordered and professional manner.
This is an exciting time but often there is anxiety too. She may worry about being able to be a mother to this baby. How will she look after the baby’s needs on a day-to-day basis? Indeed how will she have any idea what to do when she arrives home for the first time with a little bundle that does not come with an instruction manual? Well meaning friends and relatives will bombard her with questions regarding choices on issues such as breastfeeding versus formula versus both, cot versus co-sleeping, washable nappies or disposables, to name just a few.
Unsurprisingly, this whole new raft of emotions can raise questions about identity for the new mother. She no longer has a job title or desk or the need to carry her Blackberry wherever she goes. From a position of responsibility and control, she finds herself entering a new role as mother for which she has no experience or knowledge and no clue as to what her “style” of parenting might be.
Naomi Stadlen, author of ‘What Mothers Do: Especially When it Looks Like Nothing’ (1), suggests that uncertainty is a key part of adjusting to life as a new mother:
“Every time a woman has a baby she has something to learn, partly from her culture but mostly from her baby. If she really considered herself an expert, or if her ideas were set, she would find it very hard to adapt to her individual baby…..She needs to feel uncertain in order to be flexible. So, although it can feel alarming, the “all-at-sea” feeling is appropriate. Uncertainty is a good starting point for a mother. Through uncertainty, she can begin to learn.”
For many women this feeling of uncertainty is too uncomfortable to tolerate, and so they research, read and Google in an attempt to plan and regain some level of confidence. There are shelves of books available to help.
If we consider just one aspect of parenting, for example how to comfort a crying baby, we are met with many completely conflicting views. One book says for a completely happy baby you need to follow a strict timetable and routine. The routines need to be followed hour-by-hour, day-by-day and as a means to this end it is quite acceptable to let a baby cry. But this author has never experienced childbirth. She has not physiologically responded to her baby’s wails with an increase in blood pressure and instinctive yearn to comfort.
Others state the opposite and suggest always comforting a crying baby, as the baby cannot manage its own stress levels yet. This idea of shushing and rocking her baby may seem gentler. Perhaps it is alright after all to pick up a crying baby and provide comfort but the advice from others more experienced than herself may conflict again. Is comforting her baby going to spoil the baby? Will picking up a baby whenever the baby cries be sending the wrong signals and lead to a clingy baby that cannot bear to leave the mothers presence for a minute?
So what is the answer? This issue of responding to her baby in the early months is only one of the many questions faced by a new mother. And so, unsurprisingly, even the most capable woman in the work environment can be reduced to a confused and under-confident shadow of her former self within weeks of going on to maternity leave.
It is now recognised that at this stage women are actually in a unique psychological state of mind (e.g. McMahon 1995) (2). They are deeply concerned about the physical and emotional well-being of their babies. This might be an obvious statement, but the level of preoccupation with this can be all consuming. The concern can reach such extreme levels that a simple passing comment about whether the baby should be wearing another layer of clothing can preoccupy thoughts for hours.
Changes in self-perception and identity also come to the fore. No longer labelled marketing consultant/ banker/lawyer etc., but “mum to be” or “mum”, perhaps she feels a little isolated pushing her new buggy when the world does not ask the “what do you do?” question anymore. The life at work has temporarily disappeared and been replaced by a no mans land of sleep and nappy discussions. The most alarming thing can be that conversations on these topics are suddenly of extreme interest and that at this time of their lives, women actively seek the company of other women to provide these types of support.
How then to make this transition from working life to parenting and back again? If the reality of early parenthood is acknowledged and understood and worked with, this period can be hugely empowering. Women at this time are being stretched to new emotional and physical limits. It is a period of massive uncertainty for a new mother but if this is recognised by her, and others around her, then the experience can build confidence. If women are allowed to learn for themselves and are supported in doing so, then these new skills can be transferred back into the workplace and used for what they are. Mothers in the workplace, if supported in an environment of honesty and respect, are an invaluable asset.
(1) Stadlen, N. (2005). What Mothers Do: Especially When it Looks like Nothing. Piatkus Books ISBN-10: 074992620.
(2) McMahon, M (1995). Engendering Motherhood: Identity and Self-Transformation in Women's Lives. Guilford Press. ISBN-10: 1572300027